Why is change just...so... fucking...hard!!!

Welcome back guys,

Thanks again for all the support. You'll be happy to know this week's post is a bit more chirpy than 1500‑plus words on death, loss and grief. Although, I did get a couple of kind messages on the back of it (thank you) and it will probably serve as the foundations of My Chemical Romance’s next album… so hey, it couldn't have been that bad right?!

In the blog a couple of weeks ago I mentioned that one of the reasons I run is because I want to show others that if I can do a 10k or a half marathon etc., then anyone can do it. This is something I truly believe, and I’d even go as far as saying wanting to inspire people to move out of their comfort zone is rapidly moving up the priority list of my own personal goals.

There’s been a couple of things this week which have made me think about why people find it so difficult to change and never achieve what they want, so I wanted to expand on this a little more. I’ll touch on the pre‑change jitters in another post, but this is one for people who are ready to change.

Firstly, you need to want to change. If someone or something else is trying to make you change, then it's not going to work. You have to recognise the “why” in the journey that you are about to embark on… there's a hippy sentence and a half!! I got it from a dream when I spoke to Jim Morrison and a weird naked Indian (Wayne’s World 2 reference for you there). So, I'm making the assumption it’s you that is wanting to change to improve yourself here…

I've worked in improvement and change management for about 8 years now and I'm just going to be honest… change is fucking tough. While this hasn't been self‑improvement, the principles are very relevant. Even if you want to change, it's brutal. There are even crappy sayings like “people don't change” or “a leopard doesn't change its spots”. Sorry, but what a crock of shit! Change is definitely possible — the last 6 months I have been going through it myself — but why is it so hard to do?

If you're at the point that you want to change but struggle to stick to the changes you put in place (i.e. New Year’s resolutions failing), then it's worth understanding something called the emotional cycle of change. The emotional cycle of change was a model created by two psychologists, Don Kelly and Daryl Connor, and consists of 5 main stages. The idea is if you understand what stage you're in, then you know how to push through it to make the changes more sustainable.

The first stage is called uninformed optimism. Everyone has experienced this! This is when you're buzzing to start something, you have the kick. You might be nervous but you are raring to get started. Think of the “new year, new me” fitness promises or the lucky bastards who have never done a run in their puff and get pulled in the London ballot which they entered after getting excited seeing a fella dressed as Big Ben or a massive tit raising money for a breast cancer charity (not that I'm at all jealous!!).

However, the reason for this buzz is basically because you're thinking about the goal being achieved. You're unaware of the shit you’ll very likely have to go through to get to that goal. That could be hard work, sacrificing something else in your life to make room for what you want to do etc. That said, what can help with the process is to capture why you're excited and why you are doing what you're doing. Whether this is in a blog, a journal or on socials, it serves as a good reminder in the future stages.

The next stage is called informed pessimism. This is where you start to become aware of the challenges in the journey; you become aware of the work required and the time commitments. The initial excitement begins to drop as the goals don't seem as close. You start to focus on the costs and not the benefits. This is where doubt starts to set in and the bullshit excuses and self‑talk creep in.

Stage three… it gets worse!!! This is called the valley of despair. If you are going to give up — and you haven't already given up with the “oh it was a long day at work” or “I'm just going to miss tonight” type of excuses from stage 2 — then you will give up at this point. This is the lowest of the low. The benefits are barely a thought to you. You can't really remember why you are doing what you're doing. The easiest thing to do is give up and go back to your old ways. You might even have a shiny, new “better idea”. This one is too hard but the new one is better! Unfortunately, the new idea is in stage one and will probably end up here in the coming weeks or months, so try not to have your head turned. If you're here, you need to keep going! Go back to the blogs or journals you made in stage one to help remind you of why you are doing what you're doing.

If you push through, then the good news is things are going to get better. This stage is called informed optimism. This is the stage where you have experience on your side. You now know so much more than you did in stage one and it gives you the confidence to say “you know what… I can fucking do this!”. The success starts to seem possible and the benefits start to become apparent — maybe even easier — so you keep going.

The final stage is where we all aspire to be but rarely get to, and is called success and fulfilment. You finally see the benefits and the effort was worth it. The thing that was so difficult is now second nature. Depending on the goal, this can take years, but growth in this stage can be massive.

This model is pretty much applicable to any change in your life. Whether that's a marathon, weight loss, starting a new business (more stuff coming on this one soon 😁), relationships etc., understanding it can help you achieve the changes you want to make in your life.

Hopefully that helps. Yes, you still need some willpower, values, action etc., but I'll save some of that part for the next one to give me something to write about in the future 🙄

Happy Friday, have a great weekend.

Muchos loveos,

Ben